TRUTH

Have you ever felt alone?

Really and truly alone?

That's how depression feels.

It feels like drowning.

Like being trapped in a whirlpool of your own emotions with no way of escape.

Now add anxiety to that.

Second guessing every. little. thing. you. do.

Then feeling

hopeless.

Like falling into a bottomless pit.

Slipping in the darkness.

Falling.

But never landing.

Sensory deprivation.

Numbness.

Blinded.

You try to focus on other things.

The happy.

The positive.

Wanting to be free of the darkness.

But once alone,

The monsters come.

They taunt with thoughts of

Failure.

Inadequacy. 

And despair.

 Heart wrenching.

Viewing the happiness of others.

They make it seem so easy.

Fighting for your life to obtain that same happiness.

Exhaustion.

Repeat.

What I have highlighted with my words are the 'hard parts' of having depression and anxiety. There are varying degrees, of course, but this is some of what I have felt, personally.

I don't want to make this post solely about how hard dealing with mental disorders on a daily basis can be. More so, I'd like to focus on the positive side of having these be a part of me. 

Positive side? Is that even possible? Aren't people with depression always sad? Aren't they kind of downers? If they didn't look for the negative, they wouldn't find it. They're so over the top.

I have found times in my life where I am so happy, I could literally BURST! Where I cannot contain my enthusiasm and excitement for life and the unexpected. So much so, that I dance or sing because the energy is pulsing through my blood. I feel that way when I serve in the temple. I feel that way when I'm with my family or someone that I like. I feel that way with the few close friends that I do have.

Not many people know, or expect, that I have these challenges in my life. Guys, that's because I try SO hard. I try hard not to show when it feels like my heart is crushed. Not only because it makes people around me more comfortable, but because it gives me hope. "Fake it till you make it," right? It hasn't always worked for me. 

What I have come to realize, though, is that I feel so much more deeply than I ever thought possible for the feelings of others. Because of my dealings with my own monsters, I've been able to help friends and strangers, alike, when they are struggling. I know better, now, how to listen more closely. Truly listen. Acknowledging everything they have to say as valid because that's how I would like someone to listen to me. Knowing that everyone has trials and not all are apparent. Not all can be seen. 

I have questioned sharing these special parts of me so often. What could potentially pull me down to complete misery, has actually made me fight even harder for the things I love. To recognize the beauty in all the things that God has created. To thank Him for the seemingly smallest of blessings in my daily life. When I feel like I have no one else to talk to, when I feel totally alone, He has listened to my whining and complaining. He has heard me constantly question why I have these in my life and why can't He just take them away. And, instead of doing what I request, or what I think I want so desperately, He gives me exactly what I NEED. What I NEED to keep going and to become stronger. 

Heavenly Father is SO aware of each one of us. What we're going through. What we NEED. He's our Father. He created and loves us AND our imperfections. How grateful I am that life is not easy. How grateful I am that Heavenly Father loves us enough that He sent His Son, Jesus Christ, to perform the atonement for YOU. Jesus Christ knows EXACTLY what we're going through! He does! Because of Him, we can feel hope and peace in times of distress or sadness. Because of Him, we can feel the true happiness that comes when we try our best to follow Him and His teachings. 

Because of Him, even though I feel alone, I can know that I am not, and NEVER will be. I have been blessed with a wonderful family that loves me and all my strange quirks. I don't know where I would be without them. Honest to goodness, I know it wouldn't be somewhere good. Even if it were, I wouldn't feel the happiness I can feel now, knowing that I have them and I will ALWAYS have them. 

The anxiety part of me has been worried this entire time that, because of this post (if it is even read), people will treat me differently. That I won't ever be liked or have a sense of belonging. But, I feel it's a way to connect with people. I know there are soooo many more people out there who have these and more. 

Please, if you are someone who struggles with these things, find those who make you happy and who you can trust. Tell them if you're having a hard time. We were sent on this earth to learn from one another, to help one another. Find ways to be truly happy. Serve someone. Reach out to someone else who may be struggling. Laugh LOTS. 

And, for those who feel there is no one they can turn to, know this, that we have a God who loves us and is ALWAYS willing to listen. 

Sincerely,

Erin